May Contain Peanuts

NNNNNNNnnnnnnn.....

WARNING! Discussions of fecality ahead.

You know what one of the great underappreciated pleasures in life is? No, not heroin. Rather, a nice, satisfying shit. The kind where you feel all emptied out, toxins gone, weight a bit lighter and somehow restored in energy. There's even the double bonus "flawless victory" that requires zero cleanup. Amazing deuce dropping experiences like these are few and far between, but when they happen, it's like finding a twenty in your pocket unexpectedly, a nice suprise.

What brought this thought upon me was the antithesis of this event happening to me just recently. I was mid-session the other day and I could feel that things weren't going well. Stuff was not flowing as it should, I was resisting the urge to push, and the whole atmosphere smelled and felt like the underside of a stone paver (stinky, hard yet smushy, rough, etc.). I somehow managed to pull through and finish, but if you've had an unsatisfying session, you know that it doesn't feel 'finished'. Anyway, this tragic moment got me to thinking about how great it is to have real, good satisfying log droppings and I wondered why science or anyone has tried to harness this goodness for the people.

Wouldn't it be great it we could take some sort of supplement or do something that would result in consistent satisfying colon emptying? I know there's plenty of bran and fiber products out there, but that's more for irregularity. I'm talking just feel-good shitting. I remember some lame Matthew Broderick/Anthony Hopkins movie where they analyzed people stool and had them on a strict diet where they were deemed 'completed' or some mess only when the stool was of firm even texture and smelled of hay. I don't think this is where I'm going with this post, but it's fun to remember Anthony Hopkins looking at terds. My point is not to have healthy terds, but feel healthier after a successful number 2.

Of course, a good reason why this genius idea has yet to come to fruition is that there may not be a way to do it. I know most of Americans eat shit and are overweight, blah, blah, blah. But maybe science needs to delve more into the world of digestion and things of that nature to get a better idea as to how all that works. They could isolate certain ingredients or minerals that help make the good so good and the bad so stinkin bad. Granted, this would be a 'shitty' job for biologists to undertake, but it could lead to a breakthrough that would make the world a happier place, one flush (or sometimes two or three) at a time.