Hola!
Just around 10:37 a.m., I question my stomach as to what it would like to be filled with come 12:33 p.m. Today's response was indeterminant, yet responsive in that it shall not be having another slice of greasy (yet delectible) Domino's pizza; whose miraculous 555 deal is far too tempting on a wasted weekend evening, especially when it arrives at your door, precongealed. So I have this so notion to go upon to reach my oh so important decision. Yes, this is an important decision, especially on a Monday such as this, where mood and morale can be bettered or deeply impaired by the quality of said lunch. Next item of inspiration: the wallet. I reach back to my left back pocket (yes, left back pocket; I am left-handed, therefore my wallet is on my back left and my belt end points to the right. Crazy!) and unfold my usual thin billfold to reveal a monstrous two Washington portraits. Oh wait, there they are, the plastics. They will have to do. Thank god for magnetic strips.
Though my monetary status is not an issue for me today, it is for my fellow drones here at my place of employment, and since I am such a huge fan of carpooling/office unity I decide to tag along to a destination of cheap nourishment. The choice du jour: the oft over and under-rated Taco Bell. I say this because at 2 am, you can't wait to get a CGC (cheesy gordita crunch) in your hands and relish in its complex texture and tastes, yet at 2 pm the next day, the thought of eating this again often leads to a retasting. I am fan, what can I say, though much like other fast food 'restaurants', is only palatable after a duration of restraint, that is to say, it can only be fully enjoyed when craved. Regular eating of any of this food is in plain words bad. We all know this, but those cravings come, whether they be Taco Bell or Hooters wings. Nothing prepared that quickly in that type of environment can be benefitial to the diameter of my arteries. Yet, here I am, stading in line at Casa de Taco (behind about 8 latino construction workers) waiting to satiate my need for microwaved nacho 'cheese'. Come to find out, this week/month/whatever's special food item is the new Chipotle Grilled Stufft Burrito. The fancy adver-spelling of 'Stufft' along with the authentic looking tag of 'chipotle' grabbed my attention (congratulations hard working TB ad team) and drew me in with the claim of 3 melted cheeses upon grilled chicken in a zesty sauce. Though I knew the 3 cheeses were most likely american, government and toe, I gave it a whirl. The combo came with a large drink and nachos, how could I turn that down for under 5 bucks? I got a CGC just in case this was better masonry material than food.
I hand the bilingual woman behind the counter my plastic magnetic-stripped square, then grab my 32 plastic cup and head to where the point of this droning piece of writing lies. As found in many fastfooderies, the beverages are self serve. This makes for easy refills, freedom of choice and my favorite, the ability for the clearly juvenile, yet often delicious 'suicides'. You know since you were a mere tot, facing that line of sodas for the first time, you asked yourself what kind of crazy soda wonderland would result from mixing a few drops from every single dispenser into one solitary cup. Often done, yet rarely fully enjoyed, the 'suicide' is often overpowered by Moutain Dew citrus and tastes a lot like Diet Pepsi with lemon. Nonetheless, the key is getting good tasting soda out of each liquid dispenser. When you go to your local convenience store and pick up a 20 oz of your chosen pop, you know exactly what to expect. The flavor of the syrup to soda water balance is a given. Bottlers keep this consistent and consumers are happy. This is not the case with soda fountains.
Restaurants' fountains are controlled manually, with the given indentured servant attempting to correctly flow the right amount of syrup and carbonated water through the fountain's tubes and into your cup. For most places, this works fine and the function is performed without a hitch. However this is not an absolute given, and the simple poured soda becomes a nuisance and ruination of your dining experience. Such was the case at today's Taco Bell. It was a typical busy lunchtime period and the hard working restauranteurs were already knee deep in the lunch crowd. I face the array of choices of the fountain, deciding upon the neon deliciousness of the Dew. I fill the bottom of my cup with ice, as too much is a waste of precious liquid holding space, and top the remaining 30 oz with ectoplasm colored sugar juice. Before lidding, I take a sip to find that the green tint is misleading, as my Dew tastes like dewdew (punny). The calculated combination of syrup and water is off, leaving my 32 cup filled with bitter tasting peewater. My compatriot who has also chosen dew, yet has performed the illadvised lidding-without-tasting is now poking his straw through to find another cup of dewdew. We exchange disgusted glances and nonverbally agree to head back over to the fountain for the much looked down-upon dumping of the soda. As I mentioned, the place is full of luncheoneers waiting for a flour wrapped beef swab, so there are plenty of people also retrieving their 32 oz of thirst quenching. As my fellow dew drinker and I ready for pouring, I get the usual odd/perturbed glances from those looking on. I feel required to give reason for my pouring, so I look up to someone who is willing to make eye contact with this vile soda pourer and explain that the 'dew is bad'. As soon as this is revealed, the looks diminish and the usual eyebrow lifting and 'hmm' puffing occurs. Pepsi is poured.
From the moment I tasted this mixed up Mountain Poo, my lunch is marred. How hard is it to make soda taste right? I know that the cost of soda is nothing, and that this is where the restaurants make a damn easy profit, but that is no excuse for a poor fountain. Cost of cup and soda: maybe 14 cents. Cost of quenching of thirst with a familiar delicious taste: invaluable to a meal. I thought better of mentioning this to the already overworked employees, so I merely poured a good, but not as good Wild Cherry Pepsi and hoped the knowledge of foul dew would pass down among the lunchgoers. I feel this is an untapped area of possible engineering accomplishment. If the fountain is a commonplace for mismatched syrup/water combos, then engineer a self sampling system. It will keep the customers happy, keep the value of the restaurant in order and make the 'fast' food dining experience that much more valuable.
Needless to say, 2 hours after my Chipotle burrito eating (not the Chipotle restaurant, which is certainly a secondary reason TB named its new item as such, to play off a better restaurant's popularity), I regretted my decision of lunch venue, having a stomach full of mortar and not a drop of Dew to wash it away. Nothing like mental and physical maladies to further ruin a Monday. To think this could be avoided with a simple tweaking of a nozzle. Perhaps a nozzle tweaker should be added to the list of valued restaurant employees. You already know that in a sit down restaurant, if you say "my soda doesn't taste right' that the replacement will become a soda float, fresh with loogie/booger/sneeze topping. Let's just skip this possibility altogether and get those soda fountains tested and sampled constantly. Imagine that being your job, soda tester. My face sprouted two new zits just thinking about it. Engineers and soda lovers rise and call for this needed breakthrough in beverage dispensing!
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