If you call in the next 15 minutes...

"Ha" is my immediate reaction.

You can say I watch a good amount of television. In knowing that, you can also say I watch a good amount of commercials. It's unavoidable. Now 'watch' may be not quite right term when it comes to me and commercials, but nonetheless, I am familiar with all the ins and outs, the gimmicks and catches, and what I think is a good grasp on the reality of selling.

Most commercials are your typical ads that just show the product and people using/interacting in either a comical or dramatic fashion. In those special cases though, you have an 'infomercial' type ad that gives you that instantly recognizable blue screen at the end with a big phone number and web site address. We've seen them, and we should all know that they produced and taped a long time ago, made clear by the almost annoying frequency of airplay the same ad receives. This brings me to the most laughable of all commercial enticements. Given our knowledge of how airing commercials work, they ad wizards still come at us with the usual line, "If you call within the next 15 minutes, we'll double your offer!", or some such nonsense. Who do they think they are convincing with this line? The best example is the notorious 'Sham wow' commercial, where the guy actually says, "call now, because we can't give this offer all day'. HA! I wonder if people actually call and ask if they have made the 15 minute deadline. Of course they are going to give you that offer. They will give it to you all day everyday if it means you give them the $19.95 they so desire. Honestly, who falls for this? Even if it's just a simple "call now and we'll double your offer", it is such a garbage trick that it makes me ill to hear it coming from my entertainment box. Stop trying to fool me, my dear television, I give you enough love and buy enough of your advertised products that I don't need to be fooled into thinking I'm getting a great deal.

I wonder if it is just understood now that this is how these mini-infomercials should be composed. All of those products slung around by that portly bearded guy get doubled or tripled when you 'call now'. My bet is that these wonder products are stacked mile high in a warehouse somewhere and for the big fat American consumer, 2 (or 3) is always better that one, so why not give em away as fast as possible. I will admit, I have purchased advertised items off of the commercials, so I'm not claiming the ads are totally ineffective. The products are crappy, but at least they make you feel like you should want one and could make your life better. That, for some reason, I don't mind. Don't give me blatant falsehoods, rather just pound it into my skull why my house needs your junk (wow, that line could be really misconstrued taken out of context).

On a side note, having actually bought one of these wonder products, it is amazing what the ratio of shipping and handling costs are to the cost of the product itself. These geniuses conveniently put the S&H costs in the tiniest fonts in the very corners of that ending blue screen, but those costs appear bright and centered on that final bill. I recently bought an item for the magical price of $19.95 and then paid $15.90 in shipping and handling to get the shit to my house. Some deal. But I did order in that imaginary 15 minute window, so my order was doubled. How great.

YOU FAIL

No, this is not about those 'FAIL' pictures that are all over the 'nets. This is about an article I came across that summed up a lot of the reasons why people suck. The excerpt below is from buffalobeast.com; the article is an editorial piece about the 50 most loathsome people in America. I greatly appreciate it's brutal honesty and am moved to put one of the entries on one of my entries (giggity) just because I could not agree more with it. I encourage you to read the rest, as they are dead on, only pointing out more everyday foolishness and hypocrisy. Here's the link:
http://buffalobeast.com/134/50mostloathsome2008-p1.html

I now give you #43. The 'charges', 'exhibit' and 'sentence' are part of the writer's legalese-ish setup. Note: this entry may seem to blatantly call out the more conservative types, but I think everyone; left, right or center, can be accused of some of the below mentioned items.

"43. You

Charges: You think it’s your patriotic duty to spend money you don’t have on crap you don’t need. You think Hillary lost because of sexism, when it’s actually because she’s just a bad liar. You think Iraq is better off now than before we invaded, and don’t understand why they’re so ungrateful. You think Tim Russert was a great journalist. You’re hopping mad about an auto industry bailout that cost a squirt of piss compared to a Wall Street heist of galactic dimensions, due to a housing crash you somehow have blamed on minorities. It took you six years to figure out what a tool Bush is, but you think Obama will make it all better. You deem it hunky dory that we conduct national policy debates via 8-second clips from “The View.” You think God zapped humans into existence a few thousand years ago, although your appendix and wisdom teeth disagree. You like watching vicious assholes insult each other on TV. You support gun rights, because firing one gives you a chubby. You cuddle falsehoods and resent enlightenment. You think the fact that 43% of whites could stomach voting for an incredibly charismatic and eloquent light-skinned black guy who was raised by white people means racism is over. You think progressive taxation is socialism. 1 in 100 of you are in jail, and you think it should be more. You are shallow, inconsiderate, afraid, brand-conscious, sedentary, and totally self-obsessed. You are American.

Exhibit A: You’re more upset by Miley Cyrus’s glamour shots than the fact that you are a grown adult who is upset about Miley Cyrus.

Sentence: Invaded and occupied by Canada; all military units busy overseas without enough fuel to get back."

Written by Allan Uthman & Ian Murphy
with contributions from John Dolan, Eileen Jones, Alexander Zaitchik & IOZ

Oh, 2009

Another new year is upon us and millions of people across the globe are making resolutions to do something different in the upcoming 365 days than they did in the past 365. The typical New Year's resolutions are all known by now: lose weight, stop smoking, do charity work, etc. These are all great goals, but most attempts crumble by January 3rd. Some have the resiliency to stick it out for a month or two, and on the rare occasion someone actually makes it to the end of the year with their eyes on the prize. More commonly though, the resolution becomes another idea swept under the rug by old routines, complacency and laziness. This is why I have resolved to no longer claim resolutions.

To be honest, I can not recall any previous resolutions I may have made, which I think only strengthens my point. This does not mean I am lacking in the aspiring goals department. I just choose to rise to action when the appropriate time calls. In other words, I do not have to wait until January 1st to change my ways. I understand this is easier said than done and is quite a lofty ideal to stick to, but it is the best way to get things done. Realize what the problem is, set a goal, and *key step here* entwine this activity into your daily routine. For me, if I don't have a planned time to do a daily activity, it usually slips through the cracks somewhere. Excuses are abundant and things change from day to day, but the clock never lies (unless it is my watch which is constantly slow... which reminds me, I need to go to the watch guy, something I planned to do last year).

This brings me to my next point, that if you need to make a resolution, make it something that is a one-time or limited affair instead of an ambitious year-long try. For example, I want to put up some shelves in my house. This is going to require a few devoted hours, but it can be done in a day and bam! my goal is accomplished, and we all know that a goal accomplished is a nice warm feeling inside. It may not match up with losing 50 pounds, but I will take an accomplishment any time I can.

In all, I can't really gripe with the people who make great resolutions, as they are at least identifying their personal problems. But January 1st is not a magical day that will get them on track to solving said problems. It is just another day, just like the other 364 over the course of the year that gives them the perfect opportunity to change. The real magic is willpower and, as mentioned above, routine. Old habits die hard, but new habits can be started just as easily. I just completed my first entry of the new year! I can feel the warmth...